We here at /Gossip think awards shows are like sloths on sleeping pills, but we just can’t ignore a big even like the Golden Globes, so here’s /Gossip’s account of what sucked at the event last night.

1. J-Lo and Marc Anthony both showed up without their wedding rings just to get the mouths flapping. What really got us talking though, were J-Lo’s huge butt and fat folds falling out her dress, which made many an audience member hurl out their popcorn.

2. The Jonas Brothers showed up looking fugly as normal. The trio, who reportedly have a stylist, would look like _____ if they had to style themselves.

3. Cameron Diaz appeared in a dress that looked like 10,000 bottles of Pepto-Bismol accidentally threw up on her.

4. Anne Hathaway looked like a blue tree ghost who swallowed the mid-section of Cookie Monster for breakfast.

5. Kate Winslet sounded like she was getting massively stethoscoped, taking at least 200 deep breaths during her acceptance speech.

6. Sacha Baron Cohen went on just a little too long about fat Kenneth Davitian’s anus and testicles. He also got booed while presenting the award for Best Comedy after making a joke about Madonna firing her “personal assistant” Guy Ritchie because of the recession.

7. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie moved their make out session from the Critics Choice Awards to the Golden Globes.  Again, they didn’t win anything, but they did use the event to try to conceive another baby.

8. Colin Farrell accepted his award while obsessively scratching his head. Got fleas?

Ok done.  On to other news.