This was a week full of big winners as well as huge losers, so after the jump, you’ll find a handy little guide to who moved up, and who smashed right through the ground of life over the past few days.

Winners:

Britney Spears: +1 point.

Britney celebrated yet another birthday this week - her 28th to be exact. We never really thought she would make it past her 25th, but here she is, still among us.

Phil Spector: +3 points.

This murderer successfully convinced officials to let him out of jail for a dentist’s visit.

Nas: +10 points.

Nas admitted he was high as a kite when he was busted for a DUI in Georgia, but he was able to get his charges dropped when he somehow found a way to pass an official drug test - while high.

Jaimee Grubbs: +2 points.

Unless you watched that little VH1 show Tool Academy, you probably had no idea who Jaimee Grubbs was until this week. Now, the whole world knows her as one of the many women with skills big enough to bag Tiger Woods.

Chelsea Clinton: +5 points.

Engaged.

Losers:

Tiger Woods: -12,457 points.

This week, it was brought to our attention that Tiger Woods has a mole on his butt, is insecure about his skinny legs, likes to have sex while high on Ambien, and had been cheating on his wife for the past few years with a variety of ugly women. He supposedly was forced to pay his wife a six-figure sum to stay with him throughout this whole ordeal, and now has to attend marriage counseling and change his prenup in her favor.

LeAnn Rimes: -2 points.

Another vehicle accident - that’s three so far in three months.

Casey Johnson: -20 points.

The Johnson and Johnson heiress was arrested for grand theft this week for stealing a bunch of things from her former friend Jasmine Lennard’s home.

Jon Gosselin: -20 points.

Now that Michael Lohan has officially testified against him, Jon is probably going to owe TLC a crap ton of money.

Diddy: -1 point.

The man’s selling things on HSN now.

Solange Magnano: -1,000 points.

Former Miss Argentina Solange Magnano died this week during a butt surgery gone wrong.

The Hasselhoffs: -1 point.

We thought this family couldn’t really go much lower, but then they did. David was hospitalized after suffering an alcohol-induced seizure, and his ex-wife Pamela was arrested for a DUI after she had a few too many drinks while trying to comfort their daughters.