According to a newly-released legal document, a “witness” (probably Tiger Woods’ wife), came forward to cops last week, claiming that Tiger was drunk and high on Ambien and Vicatin when he smashed his vehicle up shortly after Thanksgiving day.

The document, a subpoena request for a blood test, read, “A witness stated that the driver had consumed alcohol earlier in the day and the same witness removed the driver from the vehicle after the collision”.

The request was denied on the grounds that there was insufficient evidence that a crime was committed.