Michael Lohan, who’s been showing Jon Gosselin the famewhore ropes for the past few months, is now trying to rope Jon into doing some celebrity boxing.

In case you missed it, Michael is currently part of the Celebrity Boxing Federation, where high-profile matches help to increase media exposure raise money for charity.

According to Michael, the chairman of the organization asked him to help get Jon into the ring.

He reportedly spent his Sunday afternoon at the Gosselin home, meeting Jon’s kids, and trying to convince him to join the league.

No word yet on whether or not Jon had decided to participate.

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Heidi and Spencer Pratt are back in full effect. The gruesome twosome were spotted shopping for baby things at Kitson Kids yesterday. Spencer decided to set the rumors off by posing for photos with his hand on Heidi’s tummy.

We’re pretty sure Heidi’s just fat, and the pair are just starved for attention. As you may recall, Speidi, who supposedly didn’t have sex till they were married, faked their first pregnancy scare for cameras on season two of The Hills.

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Corey Feldman attended Michael Jackson’s memorial today, dressed as the dead guy.  Photos here.

According to sources, John Mayer gave Corey a puzzled look while Corey slipped tissues under his sunglasses to swipe away his “tears”.

Corey and Michael were friends in the 80’s until they had a falling out years ago.

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Octomom’s fame-hungry former publicist, Victor Munoz decided to jump in on the using-dead-Michael-Jackson-for-my-own-gain game yesterday, by claiming to the UK Daily Mirror that he received three phone calls from Michael Jackson a few months ago, offering to purchase his client’s octuplets.

According to Victor, Michael was looking for some playmates for his youngest son Blanket shortly after the birth of the octuplets. After hearing about the children’s mother Nadya Suleman’s financial struggles in the news, he decided to put in an offer for the little ones. Victor said that Michael told him over the phone,

Blanket would love to have more siblings. I could take care of all the babies, they could live with me and wouldn’t need for anything. They would have a bright future.

I want to take care of Nadya. She will be happy and won’t have to worry about caring for her children any more.

Victor told the Mirror,

When Michael called I thought it was a joke at first. I was getting hundreds of calls every day and many from celebrities’ agents saying their client wanted to help.

But when the person on the end of the line said ‘Hi it’s Michael Jackson’ I was a bit taken aback. Michael wanted to know how the babies were, how Nadya was coping.

He then said he could take care of the children if Nadya couldn’t. It was creepy. He was basically offering to buy the children. I was a bit shocked.

Victor claimed that he was 100% sure that the phone calls he received were not pranks because “I went on to Youtube to listen to Michael Jackson’s voice.”

Victor told the Mirror that he never informed Nadya of Michael’s offer because he knew she would say no. Victor quit working for Nadya last March after they stopped seeing eye-to-eye on issues concerning the octuplets.

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It looks like our dream of seeing Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag get carted off to the crazy house may soon be a reality. The world’s favorite couple made an appearance on Alex Jones’ radio show Infowars to yammer about The Hills, politics, and birth control. Here are just a few quotes that we particularly enjoyed.

Heidi on human microchiping: “This is very serious. It says in the Bible this is the mark of the beast, and that is a sign of worshipping the Devil. So over my dead body would I ever get a chip in my body. My body belongs to Jesus Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus, and I will speak out to Christians….this chip is the end of humanity.”

Heidi on birth control: “I feel like God was telling me that this was something just created by the government that is really bad for my body, and I was just getting sick,” she says. “I researched it, and one of the founding people who invented birth control said it was the worst thing they had ever done, they wished they’d never created it, how it morally corrupted society, it’s just sickening to him. How it devalues women, how it causes depression, how it can cause cancer, how it sterilizes your body, and what it does to your body, how most women are suicidal sometimes on it.”

Spencer on 9/11 being an inside job: “It 100 percent is. I want to throw up.”

Spencer on how Lauren Conrad made the media hate Speidi: “The narrator [Lauren Conrad] didn’t get along with us. She skewed the information on the show, just like the American government can manipulate the media. We used to have a phenomenal relationship with the media, they’ve kind of turned on us now because they’ve created us into such a monstrous thing…like they made us too big, like they Obama-sized us.”

Heidi on the ending of the world: “I’ve always been a very serious Christian, and most Christians understand what’s going on. They understand they’re being persecuted. They understand this is the end of the world. They understand the New World Order, the One World Currency, is all in Revelations in the Bible, so they’re taking me very seriously and they know when I mean something, that it’s a message.”

Check out the entire interview starting at the 180-minute mark here.

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Joe Jackson showed up at a press conference yesterday to speak about his son Michael’s death, but first, he wanted to make sure to get a plug in about his new record company.

We hear that Joe was cut out of Michael’s will, giving him good reason to pull some shameless publicity in the name of his dead son. According to reports, Michael left all of his $1 billion estate to his mother, three kids, and a few charities.

Learn more about Joe’s new record company, above.

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E! viewers reportedly voted yesterday to have the network end any coverage relating to the ever annoying Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. A spokesperson for E! told reporters,

It was just a question of overexposure and wondering how much of the news about them was truly news or contrived. It just started to feel as if they had maybe jumped a shark in the past couple of weeks and it might be time to just take a rest. It wasn’t really one particular instance, it just seemed like they’d reached a point where they crossed a line in the interest level of our audience…

We really didn’t know which way it would go. They’re a controversial couple, and we didn’t know if people were done with them or not. But we went into it knowing that whatever they decided, we would do. We’re prepared to live by the vote.

About 94 percent of viewers voted Speidi out. Rumor has it that the other 6 percent either accidentally voted wrong, or suffered from mental illness.

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According to Levi Johnston’s new manager Tank Jones, all that damn publicity from knocking up the former vice presidential candidate’s teenage daughter Bristol is forcing him to model and act to support his new son Tripp.

Tank tells People Magazine,

It’s not like he can go and get a normal job now. Because of all the publicity. The whole interviewing thing, and red carpet and paparazzi – he still hasn’t gotten comfortable with it, but what else does he have? Can he go work at McDonald’s? … He wants to take care of his son financially.

There’s offers on the table for a little bit of everything – sitcom appearances, a reality show, some modeling.

Tank has apparently been taking Levi’s self-described redneck butt out to Hollywood parties, press events, and shopping trips to spruce up his image. On a recent day out, he even convinced the Alaskan manly man to try on some pink fedoras and sparkly jackets - because without a pink fedora, you can’t get anywhere in Hollywood.

According to Tank, Levi would still much rather go hunting and fishing in a flannel shirt, but he’s now giving in and wearing the torturous Hollywood hat to man up and support his son.

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Nadya Suleman, that lady with the six kids that just spawned out a set of octuplets has reportedly pissed Angelina Jolie off by collecting 14 kids in only six pregnancies while on food stamps and other public assistance.   Angelina herself had to undergo two pregnancies and three adoptions with her own money in order to gain her meager six children.

Angelina is supposedly so upset over the octomom’s progress that she has told friends that she is “totally creeped out” by Nadya.

Nadya, who according to friends and family, has had plastic surgery done to look like Angelina, will probably be upset to hear the news about her latest critic.  Octomom is reportedly a huge fan of the actress, even going so far as to send her multiple letters over the past year, professing her love for Angelina’s work with children.

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Now that The Hills is on hiatus, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are looking for a scheme to stay relevant, and what better way to stay in the news than to cook up a divorce.  Just ignore the fact that these two aren’t really married.

The famewhoring couple, who sources say are still in love and very much together, are reportedly working on hashing out a bitter divorce in order to get some press.  Spencer is apparently planning on walking in and out of lawyer’s offices, and acting out fake fights with Heidi in public.  A source says that this is all just an elaborate scheme set up by Spencer to get more press than Lauren Conrad.

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Michael Lohan is kinda like Rosie O’Donnell, except he doesn’t write in haiku, making his blogs that much longer and more annoying.  Plus, Rosie doesn’t have The Fray automatically start playing every time you enter her site.  Like Rosie however, Michael has again taken to his blog to announce to the world his plan to quit blogging.  Michael’s “final blog” reads,

Well here you have it. My final blog. And for those of you who are doubters or knockers, let me say that I never took a penny for my blog or anything I ever did for any of my children. I did what I did, out of love and concern, regardless of any of your opinions. I did it to help them, advance their careers and give them hope. I taught them that anything is possible if you really want it enough, and that when your heart is in the right place, God will make it all happen!

And although I have full confidence in Jonathan Jaxson (Who is the mastermind behind some of the best stories/blogs out there.), I have to say that when it comes to my innocent children, who are at risk and have nothing to do with the situation at hand, I have to respect their request.

Before I go, however, I must say that I received a text message from a very close and dear friend of Lindsay’s who I trust and admire. The text said, “between you and me you are doing the right thing. From what I hear, from Lindsay’s nearest and dearest friends, Lindsay is worse off than ever since she she has been with Sam. I told Dina that Lindsay needs you back in her life, and I think you know that I was the one who really helped Linds get into rehab.”

Without divulging this person’s identity, let me say that I know this person and I trust him/her very much. As a matter of fact, I spent time with him/her and wish that he/she was still part of Lindsay’s life.

For the record, when it comes to sexual preference, I am not biased. What matters most is the substance of an individual rather than their preference.It is the love and intent behind the relationship that matters. Something I can not give much credence to when it comes to Samantha. Just look at Samantha’s tax returns before she “engaged” Lindsay, and then after! Look at Lindsay’s career before Samantha and after! Look at all the things Lindsay accomplished and had going for her before Samantha and after. And finally, consider how Lindsay spent every holiday with her family before she met Samantha and then after. Would Lindsay ever leave her little sister in LA with Jenni, and leave with Samantha like she recently did when she went to Boston?! NEVER!

I was with Lindsay when she got out of Cirque Lodge. I saw and experienced the “old Lindsay” with so much hope and promise. I had full confidence in her. Then back came Samantha! Can’t you all see this? Am I speaking to stone walls? All I ask that you put your selves in my shoes and HONESTLY consider what you would do.

As I said, this is my final blog, and I hope what I have said and expressed to you and Lindsay, have a positive effect on your lives.

God Bless you ALL, be well and thank you for your input. Good, bad, positive, or negative, I have learned a lot from all of you.

Be Blessed!!!!

How long will Michael be unplugging for?  What will he say next?  Stay tuned, my friends!

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Joaquin Phoenix’s friends say that their off-the-rocker scrubby pal’s recent bye-good-air-fisting, diva fits, and awesome rap performances are nothing more than just an art project being filmed by Casey Affleck.  You can’t be serious, I was about to fly to the moon cause Joaquin told me so! A source says,

It’s an art project for him. He’s going full out. He probably has told his reps that he’s quit acting. Joaquin is very smart. This is very conscious. He has a huge degree of control.

Insanity does do wonders for a career in entertainment. Prime example: Angelina Jolie. After all that bloody vampire shit, you adopt a bunch of babies, hook up with Brad Pitt, and you’re golden. You gotta follow through with the Brad Pitt part though.

Update: Joaquin’s probably highly paid rep tells MTV News that Joaquin’s friends are full of bullshit. She says,

He intends on exploring his musical interests, despite speculative, negative or positive reactions.

Now I CAN go to the moon!

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Whoever’s in charge of keeping Michael Lohan locked up is doing a terribly poor job.  Daddy famewhore somehow got computer access once again, finding just enough time to send off another grammatically incorrect email to the press.  Michael blabs,

Like I said in the past, “if I see or hear of anyone or anything causing harm or is seen as a threat to my children, I will speak about it, and do anything I can to try to intervene regardless of the repricusions [sic] on me.” With that said, after seeing promise and thanking God for Lindsay’s freedom from Samantha’s bondage, I see now, that since Samantha has once again, weaseled her way back into Lindsay’s life, things have taken a dark turn. While I was enthused that Ali was with Lindsay, rather than Samantha, I am torn to see that Samantha has once again manipulated Lindsay into leaving her little sister in LA, only to join Samantha on another DJ gig in Boston. Was this again, a means for Samantha to earn more money through Lindsay’s presence? Did Samantha’s fee drop so much and so quickly when word got out that they parted ways? Are we so blind? Is Lindsay so blind? I know Dina and my kids aren’t because they tell me so. But then again, why does Dina tell me one thing and do another?! When a mother or father sees their child in turmoil, ( losing wait, not working, and proportadely cutting herself), are we supposed to stand by , remain silent and pretend it isn’t happening. or step to the plate, and not care what people think, and do something about it?! Well, as you can see, I’m not going to sit back and let it slide. I am asking everyone out their to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what Samantha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life. Help her to see that ever since Samantha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn’t used her gifts like she did before meeting Samantha. Just LOOK! The proof is there! These aren’t just words, but FACT! PLEASE HELP!

Is anyone else craving a hamburger right around now?

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Page Six is reporting that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have been trying to shop around the first photos of their new baby Bronx Mowgli to celebrity tabs, but have so far garnered no interest.

Apparently, since we posted the first pic of the kid the day he was born (above), the value of all subsequent photos has dropped down to… oh… zero.

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They just won’t go away damnit!!!

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s wedding may have been a secret affair, but the pair are making up for that with having their honeymoon featured on an upcoming episode of The Hills.

Executive producer, Liz Gateley says that MTV cameras are currently in Cabo, filming the presswhores enjoying their first few days as a married couple.

Hopefully they’ll spare us all and leave out the part where they have sex.  Or kiss… or touch for that matter.

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